We All Fall Down
by Mistress Sorcha
Summary: One-shot of Sammy's private reaction to Dean's fateful confession at the end of Heaven and Hell. Rated a bit higher for language....


Just a angsty little one shot set just after Heaven and Hell. Sammy's POV.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything but the idea for the story. Besides, if I did own the boys, I'd be doing other things then writing right about now... ;)

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**We All Fall Down**

I'm sitting on the edge of the tub in the bathroom, head in my hands and I am fucking losing it! I don't know how the fuck Dean did this all these years…how he was so strong and good all these years…

I've been trying to be the strong, stoic brother for like…about 2 years now and holy fuck is this hard! Not only do I completely and totally suck at it, but I know without a doubt that this is the hardest fucking thing I've ever done in my whole life! I just don't know** HOW** Dean did this for so **LONG**!…how he took care of every single damn thing, took care of me and dad and never complained, never did it wrong, always made it seem effortless…

**FUCK!!!**

As I have my little mental breakdown here, I can't help but think of how Dean would probably smirk and laugh at the many instances of swearing that are popping up in my inner monologue… I huff out a small, quiet laugh that sounds more like a sob as my chest constricts again just thinking about my big brother…

_**Dean**_…

**Goddamnit Dean!**

I was so sure that knowing would at least let me see him better, maybe let me help him get through this somehow…but fuck if that isn't blown completely outta the water now!

Not 4 months…**40…FUCKING…YEARS!!!** Thank you very fucking much, Ruby, for forgetting to mention the little fact that Hell-time was a lot fucking slower then here-time!!! **Fucking bitch!**

Every single torture that I could imagine probably couldn't compare to all the shit he'd had to endure…beatings, being burned, being sliced and diced and ripped apart, raped, vivisected, skinned alive…fuck, fuck, fuck! My mind was spinning outta control!

He did it for me…he fucking did it for me…took all of it for me…

I don't deserve to be loved that much, especially since it's all my fucking fault! Why can't he see that? I know he tried so hard to keep going, for my sake…to hold on, wrongly believing I'd get him out some how…He woulda found a way, if our positions had been reversed...hell, he wouldn't have let me get down there in the first fucking place!!!

I fucking suck at this…dammit, I do…I'm sorry Dean, so sorry…I did this to him. Nothing I can ever say or do will ever make it right, I know that. And yet, here I am, having constantly been whining and bitching since he got back about how I just wanted my big brother back, just like he was before, because I'm not strong enough or good enough to fill his shoes. Of course he's not gonna be the same!!! Fuck, I am such a selfish Goddamn prick…No one who's gone through even a fraction of the shit he went through could ever hope to be the same afterwards…

That just leads me back to where I am now, sitting in the bathroom, on the edge of the tub, losing my ever-loving mind. I can't stop the sobs as they come now…the tears as they fall from my burning eyes. I can't stop thinking about how much agony my big brother went through and how I'll never be able to repay him for all the fucking sacrifices he's ever made for me in our whole lives, let alone that one, the one so huge that it destroyed him...

It used to be that I woulda prayed to God, asked him to let me take the burden from him…but, now…after seeing his soldiers and what absolute dicks they are…I gotta rethink that, 'cause anybody that could make such heartless creatures…how could he possibly care about the wishes or problems of one, tiny, insignificant being. He wouldn't. He doesn't.

'_**Dean**_…' a whispered, whimpered sob breaks through.

God…I don't even know what to do anymore. I am barely holding on myself, how the hell am I supposed to hold my broken, dying big brother together, too?

I'm sorry, Dean…

I'm so sorry I'm not the man you need me to be…

I'm sorry I'm not, well,…**_you_**…

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**A/N:** Okie Dokie!!! Just an angsty one-shot for y'all!! This popped in my brain and I couln't make it leave me alone until I wrote it down. Wouldn't even let me sleep on it even, dammit!!! Anyhoo, I have a couple of other stories and chapter updates written but not typed yet, too, so I'll be hopefully able to get those up and running soon, too. :)

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